After all kinds of praying for change, what if God gave you a direct answer and said, "Okay, I'm going to grant you your change. I'm going to give you what you want...but it's going to take 10 years."
You'll get your change, but it will happen at a snail's pace, like my friend here I came across on the sidewalk during my run/walk today. Yes, it was another compromise day where I ran and ended with walking.
If you're like me, your initial reaction to the news that your wish will take a decade would be a tantrum of anger, frustration, annoyance, and then followeed up with disappointment, dispair and hopelessness. Why? Because our need for instant gratification is denied. Things are not going to happen the way we want them to happen. God is making me wait....for ten years - oh, the suffering.
I bring this story up because during my run/walk thoughts of my life 10 years ago came up. I was put on medical leave from work for depression, an eating disorder, alcohol abuse, panic and anxiety attacks, and PTSD from being raped by a boyfried 5 years prior. Oh, to say I was a bloody mess and hit rock bottom would be accurate. I would tell Thich Nhat Hanh I was chest high in the mud. There would be plenty of mud for a field of lotus' to grow.
If you want to learn more about how I healed from that experience, and ended up finding my life purpose work, I wrote it down in my digital book, "Death of a Road Warrior."
Ten years ago, I told God that I couldn't live like I was anymore. I was tired, literally sick and tired, and the path I was on was destructive and was killing me from the inside out. God granted my wish, but it started out awful with me going on medical leave, and ended about 10 years later.
Moving from Phoenix back to Silicon Valley this past March is really the beginning of a whole new book for me, not just a chapter, but a new book.
When it comes to personal growth, I like the concept of evolution versus getting better because I always think, "Better than what?" It's easy to get caught up in the comparison game and compare your "betterness" to other people versus comparing current self to your future better self. Also, better is relative, and the assumption that things have to always go well or good in order for us to be in a state of better.
I like evolution because it starts from an origin source which is you and where you are today, the present, the now. It's about expanding or contracting. Even when things are painful and hard, you can still be evolving. Black belts in karate don't get to where they are without getting the crap beat out of them along the way and suffering from bruises, cuts, pulled muscles and even broken bones.
I noticed during my run without music I chatter in my brain quite a bit. I had to tell myself many times to be quiet. No chatter. Clear your mind. Be still. It made me realize how even when running which I do find relaxing and calming is still filled with much noise and scattered energy - mental more than physical.
Overall feeling: Anxious but optimistic
