On my block, there is a house I go past every day on my runs and walks that is boarded up. No life force radiates from the house. From the outside, the house feels cold and dead. During my outing today, I thought that house was a perfect metaphor for what happens to us when we shut ourselves off from the world, when we board up our heart to love, and barracked ourselves from our dreams.
If we put up the walls and don't let anyone in, how can we let anyone love us?
Since I started this walking meditation challenge 5 days ago, the subject of love has come up every single day. I already know I have intimacy and trust issues when it comes to love, and I have been working on them over the years. But maybe the love issues keep coming up now because the universe is helping me get what I want, so I can clear it and get closer to the love I want. It's no secret that I want to be married. But, I am willing to wait to have a relationship, a marriage, that is mindful and full of presence.
I've been in several relationships where I felt more alone in the relationship than I did when I was single. That form of loneliness is one of the worst kind, when you are physically together yet emotionally alone. I've finally learned my lesson and don't ever want to experience that again. That's why I'm willing to wait for the right guy, and also work on my own issues of intimacy. I get that it's a two way street.
Last night was emotionally challenging like the first night. Something got triggered in me and I went on the sweets overload again but it wasn't as worse as the first night because I was better prepared this time. In fact at one point, instead of reaching for another cookie, I decided to cry first. I chose to sit with the pain and let it out. I chose to let my pain communicate with me, and I listened. The crying got deeper and deeper but as I stayed with it and let it go, the pain left me, not all but everything there was that had to go in that moment.
My face was puffy and my eyes were swollen but I felt lighter. I felt relief. It wasn't so bad.
One of my new favorite TV shows is Scandal, and in last night's episode "The Trail" we get more background on how Olivia and Fritz aka The POTUS meet and fall in love. Their story is of soul mates who finally meet each other (when he was Governor on the campaign trail to become POTUS) but cannot be together because well he's married and running to become President, and leader of the free world. It's never simple is it.
What was so striking about this episode was the intimacy between Fritz and Olivia especially every time he looked at her. It's the kind of look everyone wants to have come their way. In one scene where he just wants to stand with her for "one minute," you can feel the intensity of the connection between these two...and not one word was said, and not one touch was made. They simply gazed into each other's eyes and were completely present with each other. That is intimacy. That is what I want but with someone where we can also physically be together openly and freely.
I had that kind of bond with someone once. We had similar one minute situations. We too had a love that could not be, at least in the current situation. It ended painfully, but the experience expanded me and showed me a taste of just how incredible and amazing love can be when you find that kind of connection with another person. I thought I had completely emotionally dealt with that relationship but apparently not all because the deep cry was mostly about him, and us. I also realized how much in love I was with an illusion versus a reality. But it's okay, because like a raw gem, you can't get vibrant unless you polish the rough edges.
Today, I ended up doing another jogging meditation but did end up walking more at the end. My intent was to just jog one mile, but as I got started, I couldn't stop. I didn't want to stop running. I thought about all the sweets I ate last night and wanted to burn them off because I was feeling fat. I thought about my "one minute" love. I thought about where my future husband was. My mind was again racing and as much as I tried desperately to silence my mind and be still and walk, just walk, I found myself not being able to.
It then hit me that perhaps my attachment to running is more about avoidance than fitness. What I am avoiding is being silent with myself because I'm afraid what pain is going to arise and I don't want to deal with it. I want to avoid suffering and run towards pleasure, literally. I guess part of me can't stop running because I'm afraid of being still. Because if that wasn't the case, I'd be able to just walk at meditative pace without a struggle. What's one week of walking? Walking is not a big deal, but in my head, not running sure is a big deal.
Tomorrow, my intent is to run only one mile and do more walking at meditative pace. Perhaps, if I write it down and share with all of you, it wille help me do a better job tomorrow. Let's see.
Overall feeling: Half open. Half closed.