I love Crayolas! I found a green crayon on my outing today. When you become more present and aware of where your feet are, it's fascinating the things you find. No doubt, had I been doing my normal run, I would have completely missed this crayon.
I started thinking about how often we miss wonderful things that are literally right under our nose because we are too focused on our destination going as fast as we can versus slowing down and taking in what surrounds us on our path. Maybe the things we want so badly are already in our reach, we just don't see it because we're too busy chasing it.
I'm on day 6 of this walking meditation fitness challenge, and I still can't just walk. I thought yesterday declaring to you all that my intent would be to do more walking than jogging today would motivate me, but alas no. I jogged 3.5mi and walked .27mi. On the upside, I'm jogging versus running so at least I'm running slower, and I have gone music-free these past four days. I've never gone four runs straight without any music.
Running in silence is starting to grow on me actually.
I am still having issues clearing my mind and just being in silence, but as a transition, I've been jogging to the sound of my feet hitting the road. The resonance of my shoes hitting the pavement is rather calming and quite rhythmic. I gotta say it's very zen.
One of the feelings that bubbled to the surface during my jog was how I tend to put myself in second place. I put everyone else in first place, and me, I'm always second. Not that being in second place is always bad. Winning a Silver medal in the Olympics is a great accomplishment, and even if you don't win a medal just being in the Olympics itself is quite an achievement.
I've never been comfortable being the center of attention, being the star, or being a focal point. Perhaps that's why I've resisted leadership positions and star of the show roles because I don't like the spotlight on me. I didn't get into social media to be famous, I just wanted to help other people on a large scale.
When I exploded and got big on Twitter back in 2009, it totally freaked me out. All of a sudden, I got thrust into the limelight and all these top people, famous internet and social media people were wondering who the hell @skinnyjeans was. My natural introvert defense would be to hide, but when your profile is public on Twitter, uh, you cannot hide because there is no where to hide. I sucked it up and faked it til I made it. I acted like, "Yeah, of course I'm a badass tweeting MoFo. You better recognize!"
I do understand though that on some level I have to take on more leadership type roles in order create the kind of change I'd like to make with helping more people live healthier lives. That means I'll have to stop putting myself in second place, and put myself in first place. That means focusing on my needs while considering others but not at my expense.
This Mark Twain quote really resonated with me because when I was younger especially in my relationships, I would always put the other person first even at my own expense. I would date these guys who made me feel like I was an option versus a significance, and part of the problem was that I didn't believe deep down that I was worthy of being someone's priority so thusly, I attracted relationships that reinforced that belief. I'm reading like a self-help book here.
What became clear to me during my jog today is that when you are someone's option, they are never present with you. They are never fully in the now with you. You never have their full attention because their attention is somewhere else even though they may be physically in your presence. Intimacy is being with someone who can and will be fully present with you and will make you a priority, and likewise you do the same for your beloved. It's a two way street, so learning how to be more present in your own life will help you be more present with others.
I may not be just walking yet in this walking meditation challenge, but I'm certainly getting more clear and more grounded. I can see it. The noise is still there, but it's getting muter.
Overall feeling: Calmer than when I started this challenge.
