Today was another day of running meditation. Even though I totally get why I can't stop running, I still felt compelled to run today. Awareness is one thing. Practice is another. I'm not there yet. There was only 2 minutes of walking, and I ran 5.83 miles still with no music. I'm starting to like running in silence actually. After my run, I made this gorgeous salad for lunch, and felt awesome!
I wasn't going to step on the scale at all during this 10-day meditation, but at day 7, I started feeling heavy so I changed plans and weighed myself. I gained 5 pounds in 7 days even though I ran 24.5 miles in those 7 days which is on par with what I was running weekly before this walking meditation challenge.
My newly recognized deep fear of getting fat again as I talked about yesterday started manifesting itself during this walking meditation challenge.
My initial reaction to seeing the 5 pound gain was actually calm. I left the bathroom then sat on my bed, a bit in a haze at first, but then I got focused.
Pangs of panic and anxiety over gaining weight started to flare like they used to in the old days, but the feelings were mute rather than acute. Being in the now, very calmly, I decided I was going to run not walk, and I ended up going 6.5 miles. So much emotionally has happened this week that I couldn't take any more by starting an internal fight with myself, so I did not think, I just did what I knew would make me feel better in that moment and that was to run.
Five even three years ago, repeating this weight gain scenario, my reaction would have been quite different. Instead of calm, my initial reaction would be distress, and a mild emotional frenzy would ensue. Ten years ago, forget it, I'd be in full-on panic mode...yes, over five pounds. That's how far I've come in my healing work.
Gaining 5 pounds slowly over time like a few weeks is not a big deal, but gaining 5 pounds in 7 days when I was still exercising is a concern. Eye-opening to me is how powerful a manifester I am. The fear of getting fat again reared its head garnering my energy and focus, and voila, without consciously realizing it, I started manifesting my fear. It makes you wonder how much we manifest in our lives unconsciously.
So, what happened?
My first instinct was to ask, what changed? Well, the walking meditation challenge turned out to be a BIG change, in fact, a change that I completely underestimated. Naively, I thought this walking meditation would be calming and soothing. In actuality, the opposite happened and it's been an emotionally stressful week incorporating two emotional mudslide days where I resorted to my old habit of self-medicating with sweet foods late at night.
I made two batches of vegan chocolate chips walnut cookies this week, and ate over a dozen cookies in those 7 days. The cookies were just the beginning. I completely blew my 80/20 Eating standard, and ate 20% foods every single day this week. I'm not going to lie. During my run today, I realized that when I made an effort to be mindful and more present in my exercise, I became less mindful and more unconscious in my eating. To cope with the emotional overload this week, I ate to comfort (not mindful) versus eating to nourish (mindful.)
I also ate an unusual amount of wheat this week. Normally, I am gluten-little, but I ate something with gluten in it every single day like pizza, sandwiches, potstickers, cookies, muffins, and cereal. I'm also normally soy-litte because soy can affect my metabolism, but this week, I ate a whole block of tofu.
And in full disclosure, there were a few times where I ate foods that have dairy and egg in them, my allergen foods. For example, on one of the emotional mudslide days, I was at Whole Foods in one of those unconscious states consumed with wanting to feel comfort badly. I desperately craved a slice of regular pizza, so I disregarded my food allergies and got a slice.
I figured the pleasure of the pizza with gooey mozzarella was worth the inflammation and sickness I'd experience moments after eating the pizza. I'm not saying what I did was right, but that's what my thought process becomes when I get consumed in these comfort-food binges. I know I'm not alone in this.
Healthy doesn't mean perfect
There are days when I digress. Sometimes, I will full-on fall off the food and healthy habits wagon. These days happen when I get emotionally and spiritually challenged. I'm much more wiser in my choices, and better at handling the emotional challenges without resorting to comfort eating, but not always.
This is why sometimes, okay actually well honestly a lot, I have issues with being portrayed as a healthy living role model. I have a deep passion to help other people live healthier lives, and I am very conscious about walking my talk but by no means am I a pinnacle, ideal of health.
This walking meditation has also brought issues for me around my public persona, my personal brand, as I build my new startup. I don't want to be put up on some health pedestal. I start feeling too much pressure to always be "healthy." I start feeling like I'm not allowed to be flawed and screw up like everyone else because there is an expectation for role models to be, well, perfect.
There, I said it, publicly.
And yes, I put extra pressure on myself, and yes, I raise the bar of standards because I like to evolve. I like to learn. I'm curious, and I like to grow. In 6 years of blogging, I've never been afraid of sharing my "messy middle" that human part between the before and after success story. I think it's important to share because this is one way we can shine light on the dark and lighten the stigma, shame, and aloneness of certain health issues.
The healing journey is not a clean, straight bee-line to success and happily ever after.
I gained 5 pounds in 7 days because I went unconscious with my food. In the last two days, I woke up and got back to 80% eating. I also have eaten no gluten or soy in these two days, and guess what, 3 pounds fell off.
As fast as the weight came on, the pounds can come off because knowing my body as well as I do, I figured the quick weight gain was due to allergen inflammation. When my body gets inflammed, weight comes on real fast. There are times when I can put on 3 pounds overnight because of an allergen reaction. Running also helps burn and flush out the extra weight.
There is one day left in the walking meditation challenge, and to be honest, I'll be glad when it's over.
Overall feeling: Glad I'm learning more about myself, but now kinda emotionally exhausted.