StephanieQuilao

The Best Advice My Dad Ever Gave To Me: "Pick a Side!"

This is one of those life-changing moments I had with my dad. I say life-changing because what my dad said to me that day is how and why I got into blogging, and am still going at year 5!

Yes, that is like 50 years in interwebs time, I know.

I was having one of those wading in the pity pool days sparked by an upcoming high school reunion. Ah yes, there's nothing like a high school reunion to give you a benchmark point of how far you have or have NOT gotten since high school.

On that day of wallowing, I was depressed about where my life had NOT gone.

In my case, at that time, I had no husband or kids (never married), no house (still a renter), no hot body (packed an extra 20lbs), and no wild success story to brag share. I had been a millionaire during the Dot Boom days, but then lost it all like many.

That day, I was also feeling depressed about things in my past, the bad stuff I wish I could erase.

And let's be honest, I'm not saying it's right, just saying what is, there's some part of us, no matter how petty, that wants to go back to a high school reunion and brag about something. It's the nature of high school energy that polarizes us yet we can't seem to rise above it even years later. It is totally moronic. High school is that stigmatizing!

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Now mind you, this was me on one of those primo sad-R.E.M-feeling-sorry-for-myself-everybody-hurts moments. I was emo on steroids. No way was I gonna see anything to be grateful for with my woe-is-me goggles on.

But it's okay right? We all have those days! And if we are blessed, we have someone who loves enough to kick us in the ass, and rip those woe-is-me goggles off our face. For me, luckily I had dad.

We're at my parent's house sitting in the living room pretending to watch TV, and dad asks me what's wrong.

I proceed to whine share all that was weighing me down hoping to get some sympathy and some dad sugar like, "Oh you're wonderful honey, don't worry. Let's go get some ice cream and make it all better, k!"

Um no! I got the complete opposite.

Here's a little background on dad's perspective. Dad was a career military guy, 23 years in the U.S. Coast Guard. Military people are pretty black & white thinkers. There is no grey with my dad.

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Back to the couch.

After unleashing my bleeding heart, and expecting a bucketful of parental sympathy, my dad looks at me sternly and says:

"Okay you have two choices."

"Your first choice is to continue to wade in the pity pool and be depressed about all those bad things that happened to you and be sad about what you didn't get or have. Doing that only keeps you in the victim role, and you seem to be pretty good at wallowing. How's that working for you?" (Yes, dad got Dr. Phil on me.)

"Your second choice is to take all those bad things that happened to you, and use those stories to help other people. By doing that, you get to be in the driver's seat, and you get to control what role the past has over you versus letting the past dictate your present or future."

"So the choice is simple. Do you want to be a driver or a victim? Pick a side!"

I'm staring at my dad completely silenced with my mouth practically hanging open. I say to him:

"But dad, it's not that simple. You can't just...."

Dad cuts me off mid-sentence and repeats, "Oh no, no, no, the choice is that simple. You are the one making it complicated. Pick a side and be there."

I was speechless which is rare. Me Miss talker always has something to say. But my dad was right.

"Well, when you put things like that dad, of course, I am going to pick the driver's seat because yeah, the pity pool is not working for me. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired."

I continue on, "But I don't know what to do. So I sit in the driver's seat, and then what?"

Dad gives me that look like he's Yoda talking to young Jedi Skywalker, "Well then you figure it out. You're smart. You always now how to figure things out."

Dad is now appealing to my ego which loves hearing how smart people think I am.

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My brain and soul was abuzz constantly thinking about what dad said. I deeply wanted to figure this out. How could I take all those things that have happened to me in my past and use that to help other people?

A couple weeks go by after this conversation with dad, and I discover blogging. I come across this guy who is making six figures, blogging about things he's passionate about, and I thought how cool is that!

And little did I know, how perfect blogging would be as a platform for me to share my stories and experiences to help others, and that millions of people over the years would come read what I had to say.

With blogging, I have been able to sit in the driver's seat of my life and share my experiences the way I want to. Dad was right, sharing my voice online has helped give me the power over my past instead of letting the past dictate my now and future.

And in the process, I have helped inspire so many people in so many ways, I will probably never know how much...and that's okay. My intention with blogging is and has always been to help others feel less alone and stigmatized by things that are tied with shame and guilt. I feel like I'm walking in my life's work.

I love you dad! Thank you for kicking me in the ass that day.

But still, can we go get some ice cream? This is when the Rocky Road tastes mighty good :-)

Last Phoenix Arizona Sunset of 2010

This was the sunset from my balcony today, the last day of 2010. What a gorgeous way to end the year :-) I love living in Phoenix!

My First Zonaversary: 10 Awesome Things Why Moving To Phoenix Was Good For Me

Yesterday on 10/17, I celebrated my first Zonaversary! *tossing confetti* It's also symbolic because it is also my grandma Rose's birthday. She would have been 98.

I moved to Phoenix, Arizona from Silicon Valley California last year. My move was prompted by an inspiring road trip I took with one of my BFFs @jenmyronuk when she moved to Boulder from Silicon Valley last year.

I desperately needed a change.

Packing up and moving to Phoenix was a big deal for me because in my whole life I have never lived more than 80 miles from my parents. Now I live over 800 miles from them. PLUS, I didn't really know anyone here, just one person. I also hadn't been to Phoenix in over 10 years so didn't even know what the place looked like. Yeah, kinda risky move there!

All I knew is that my heart wanted to move there...badly...so I listened and made the leap of faith. I can say in this instance that listening to my heart turned out to be one of the best things I've done in eons. Here is a photo with my friend Eniko. She practically did the same thing and just moved to Phoenix from Ohio. We are toasting our move and new friendships!

 
To recap my first year in Phoenix, here are 10 Awesome Things Why Moving To Phoenix Was Good For Me:

Clean slate: To use a computer metaphor, moving to Phoenix was like wiping out the hard drive and putting in a new OS - starting anew. I kept happy memories and feelings, and deleted as much of the old, stagnate, not-helping me files as possible.

I know that no matter where you go, there you are. I wanted my move to Phoenix to be like "running to" versus "running away," so I made amends and took accountability of as much of my personal life stuff before I left CA so I could start fresh like making up with my best friend of 30 years. We had a falling out and hadn't spoken in about a year. All is good now!

It really is a fantastic feeling to be in a place where you get to start fresh. Another bonus, because I want to keep that freshness as long as possible, it is pushing me to deal with issues more than I would have in California where I was basically stuck in life apathy. The smell of new home is helping me grow.

Getting a clearer picture of my self-limiting habits:  When you are in a new environment, new energy space, new culture, your habits - helpful and self-limiting - start to become really apparent because you are now set against a new backdrop. In fact, here I am milking a goat for the first time ever, talk about new backdrops!

Moving to a new city can really help you get a new perspective on yourself. One of my self-limiting habits that glared brighter was my fear of living a bigger life. I saw how I made choices based more on what felt safe, staying in my comfort zone, versus what would help me evolve and pushed me out of my comfort zone. The benefit of getting a clearer picture of your self-limiting habits is that you can heal them and create habits that are more helpful.

Making more friends: I'd have to say the biggest benefit for me in my first year in Phoenix is that I have made more friends in this one year than I have in the last 5 years in California. I'm not kidding! People are just more friendlier here, and most are transients like myself so there's more bonding. Meeting a native Arizonian is actually quite rare.

Above is a photo from a night called, "Puma Prowl" with a bunch of new friends I made on Twitter. The thongs were a gift from the bar owner and just summed up the hystericalness of that whole evening. I've had many fun nights like this one.

Other theories on why I've made more friends here, people have better work/life balance here than Silicon Valley where most are breaking their backs to pay for a small house. I'm a happier person overall so I'm just attracting more friendship opportunities. My subconscious wants to plant roots here so I'm making more of an effort. I think a part of me never really wanted to stay in California so things just didn't happen.

Growing social media community: For me, this was a big deal because my business is in social media. I often work in cafes and believe it or not I can find more cafes here in Phoenix that serve non-dairy milks like rice and coconut. Yes in Silicon Valley I had access to the best and brightest in the world, and there were opportunities galore but man it constantly felt like Fight Club there. It's so competitive that you really have to go above and beyond the call of duty to stand out and make a dent there.

In Phoenix, I get to be a more noticeable fish in a more relaxed pond. I have an easier time getting on the radar here especially in the food scene because I blog about healthy eating, and I have a wider field to grow my influence. Becoming a social media leader in Arizona is far easier than trying to climb that mountain in California. I did my time at a start-up that went IPO and was successful, and I don't ever want to go through that "crazy no life" situation again.

Phoenix may lack many of the sexy attributes that growing popular tech places in the West like Silicon Valley, Portland, Seattle, and Boulder/Denver have, but this city is the 5th largest metro in the US, and there is nothing but opportunity to put this place on the map. Many may just see desert and lack of culture, but I see only opportunity, and the adventurer and pioneer in me thrives on that!

Foremost U.S. wellness destination: So one of those huge opportunities I see in Phoenix's future is that this place will become one of if not the foremost wellness destinations in the U.S. This was another huge reason I feel very connected to Arizona and want to plant roots here again too because my business is in healthy living. Because I am very passionate about this topic, in my next post, I will explain in more detail why I see the Phoenix area as a place that many people will be coming to for wellness.

I do better in the heat: My body temperature naturally runs about 2-3 degrees below normal so in the summer when it's 85 degrees outside, I can still feel cold and wear a sweater. I absolutely have the hardest time in snow and below zero temps, it's like torture for me. Yes, the weather in Phoenix can get Africa-like hot in the 115's but for me, it hasn't been that bad. My car has had a rougher time than me because he's 10 years old and black. Black cars in the heat make for an easy bake oven.

I also love that you can wear shorts on Thanksgiving day, and when the rest of the nation is freezing or in the snow during the winter, in Phoenix we can still wear flip flops. Yeah, there are the cold and rainy days here too but the rain is warmer and the cold days don't require parkas or gloves. If you go outside of Phoenix, there are many places with snow and lower temps.

I can buy a house without breaking my back: I want to own a home...without having to feel like I'm working just to pay for the house! In the Bay Area, there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to buy a house there on my own without living in constant financial stress. Even married, many couples are in constant financial stress either in their current houses or thinking about buying a house. Even in the country's economic situation, housing in the Bay Area is still high. Your average single family home is going to run about $650K. For that same amount of money, I can live in a mini-mansion in some of the nicest areas of Phoenix. In Scottsdale, I saw nice homes for under $200K which is doable for me and causes me glee versus anxiety.

Cheaper gas and less traffic: I don't deal well with traffic. On average, gas is about 40 cents cheaper in Phoenix than Silicon Valley. There have been a few times when I noticed a 60 cent difference. Gas is a big deal for me because I do drive quite a bit, and Phoenix is really spread out. The traffic here is also minuscule compared to California. I have never been in stand still traffic here, and cars are always at least moving versus taking one hour to go 5 miles. In LA, I get road rage because the traffic is so bad, and in the Bay Area tolls are now $5 with gas averaging $3.20/gallon.

The desert and mountains are grounding: For some reason, I feel much more grounded in the desert surrounded by mountains. I also really like cactus because I think they are survivors and bloom beautiful flowers no matter how tough the climate...reminds me of myself to be Freudian. The red rocks and the sunsets here have some of the most amazing colors I have ever seen. I find it all very soothing and calming.

I used to love the ocean, one of the things I loved about California, but in my older age, I now find the ocean more unsettling and unpredictable. Don't get me wrong, I love to go visit the ocean. I just have a hard time living near it now. I also find the desert wildlife interesting like the lizards, coyotes, horses, and yes even the bugs. I also like that where I live I often see butterflies and dragonflies.

I feel connected, plugged-in: You know how some cities just feel more like "home" to you? Well, that's how Phoenix makes me feel. For the first time in a long time, I feel connected to the place I live. I do miss my parents and family dearly. California and the Bay Area is a fantastic place, and no doubt one of the best metros in the world, but I never felt plugged in there. Using computer metaphor again, living in California, I felt like a laptop running on battery life with no WiFi.

In Phoenix, I feel plugged-in not only to the land, and the people, but more to myself. Yeah...to myself...which is a big deal in itself too. Perhaps, it's because the lifestyle is slower and more balanced here or again because I'm just happier and feel more optimistic, I feel like I've been able to do a better job of connecting with myself here, and that too has been monumental in helping me grow and evolve as a person.

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I'm not sure how long I will live in Phoenix, but I can tell you this, my first year here has been one of the most joyful years of my whole life...seriously! It's so exciting to be able to say that because I have had so many tough years for so long. I finally got a year year that wasn't perfect but was one where I no longer felt like salmon swimming against the current, I got to swim with the flow. I feel very blessed and am so grateful!

If you're thinking about moving, I say do it! Whether it be to Phoenix or any other city you have been thinking about for a long time, why not just go take the plunge?

My two cents, the worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work out and you can move back or to another place. At least you tried and you listened to your heart. And bigger yet, you just may discover a whole new world of magic and opportunity of things you never new existed.

I'm glad I took the leap of faith :-)

 

 

Technology Lets Me Be A Part Of My Nieces Birthday Party From 800 Miles Away

One of the things I absolutely love about modern day technology particularly video conferencing is that you can still feel like you are a part of your loved one's lives even if you are 800 miles away.

Today my triplet nieces turned 5, and via Skype, I got to hang out with them for a little bit at their birthday party even though they are in California and I am in Arizona.

In this snapshot, the girls are with my dad and I am serenading them with, "Happy Birthday!"Auntie Steph's heart is overfowing with joy :)

Thank you Skype for giving me the ability to be with my family today!