StephanieQuilao

2012 Wrap-up and My 2013 New Year's Theme: Heartfulness

This is the San Francisco city skyline at 3pm at the end of 2012, a gorgeous way to end one year and begin a new year back in my city after being in Phoenix for 3 years. Every new year, I do a theme versus resolutions because I find themes lend for more creativitity, flexibility, and openness. 

2012's theme was "Live Purposefully," and I sure did that. Here are some of the highlights:

• I launched my startup Thriving Media on January 1, 2012, what I called the third publisher. In 2012, Thriving Media published three books, Be Awesome on Twitter, Death of a Road Warrior, and Back in Skinny Jeans, and one healthy living mobile app on iPhone, Android, and Windows Mobile called, One Mile One Meal.
• I designed and created the One Mile One Meal mobile app. I am now a registered developer with Apple, Google, and Microsoft. Never in my wildest dream did I think I could do that.
• I moved from Phoenix back to Silicon Valley to create a startup that builds mobile health apps to help people live healthier lives.
• I spoke at three conferences on four panels, two about how to develop mobile apps for beginners, one on healthy living, and one on working with brands. One of those sessions had over 500 people, my biggest audience ever, and it was both exciting and made the introvert in me want to vomit from nervousness. I did fine.
• I pivoted Thriving Media in September and turned Noshtopia into its own business, a social network based on healthcare through eating targeting adults on special diets because of health issues. It's like if Facebook and Whole Living magazine had a baby.
• For the first time in my life, I called myself CEO and started the rounds fundraising pitching. Of all the things I did in 2012, this was the scariest and the farthest I have ever pushed myself out of my comfort zone.
• I ran over 1,100 miles, the first time I've EVER run that much in one year. It's even better because I'm older and in the best shape of my life :-)

And that is just the stuff I did professionally. Personally, I also accomplished much in 2012. In fact, it's not until now as I write this post that I'm realizing just how purposefully I did live last year. I realize, I don't do as much reflection as I need to which leads me to my 2013 New Year's theme which is:

Heartfulness

My original theme was Mindfulness. In 2013, I wanted to work on expanding my consciousness and awareness. Being mindful seemed like the thing to do, but something felt slightly off. During my run yesterday, it hit me what was off.

Part of my issues with things, whether people, career, or dating, is that I spend too much time in my brain, my mind. I have a tendency to over-think and over-analyze, and follow logic versus what I desire.

My brain has dominated my life, and not a shocker. Western culture is brain-centric. In fact, here is something fascinating, Dictionary.com has a definition for mindful and mindfulness but none for heartful or heartfulness. Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Urban Dictionary both have listings for heartful but not heartfulness. A definition for heartfulness does exist on Wikipedia. There is a difference between mindfulness and heartfulness. Heartfulness is practiced more in the East than in the West.

The ego also resides in the mind, and I want to be less ego and more higher-self, and guess where that part lives?

The heart.

I want to focus my energy now on how to be more full of heart. To live more open-hearted like I did when I was a kid yet tempered with adult wisdom. To be more in touch with my feelings, and expressing those feelings instead of hiding behind fear and insecurity. To build upon my already strong empathy skills. To bring something new to building a startup in Silicon Valley, a place that is so filled with ego and brain driven energy.

Heartfulness and online dating

As an example of heartfulness and stretching myself out of my comfort zone, I started online dating six weeks ago because I've been so engrossed in my business, family and moving back to California that I have completely neglected my love life. Here's one of the pics on my dating profile from a cousin's wedding last summer. I clean up pretty good, huh? :-)

I started seeing more of my friends on Facebook changing their relationship status from single to in a relationship or engaged, and I started getting sad. Happy for them but sad for me because it was truth time. I'm single and alone because I haven't taken any action to change that situation. I realized I've been taking huge risks with my business, reaping big rewards, and yet I've been a scaredy cat in my love life. I'm not beating on myself. I am able to observe myself without judgement, and see the truth. My solitude in love is my own doing, a result of my choices, which means I have the power to change that and make different choices, so I figured online dating is a good place to start. It was going okay but not great. I met some very nice men but there was no heart singing from the hilltops or even from the roof of my house.

The About Me part of my profile had the standard stuff that most people put like I enjoy hiking, drinking wine, and want to find a man who is fit, fun, and fabulous, blah, blah, blah. You know the same old standard, "How I'm wonderful on paper" kind of stuff everyone puts on their profile. 

Doing a George Costanza

I want to experience a great love. I had that once before and it was amazing, and that is what I want. I even had to start on being clear about what I want. I want to have passion, soul-connection, and I'm willing to work at it. The biggest lesson I learned from that other great love experience is that great love the kind that makes you feel alive takes attention, patience, compassion, and working as a team. You don't go into relationship auto-pilot just because you found each other. In fact, that's how relationships die. We stop feeding and nurturing, and growing that love.

So, in order to have that great love, I have to be great myself which means be my best self not my safe in the comfort zone self. I decided to start with a tiny action taking my own advice. Two weeks ago, I completely re-wrote my dating About Me section, and went bold. I asked for what I want! I'll share it with you.

Hi thanks for stopping by! I'm going to do a George Costanza and do the opposite of what I've done on my profile before. Here it goes: I'm looking for a man who has an open heart and has the courage to be willing to fall head over heels in love. Yes, that's asking a lot on a dating site, but really is it? To have great love takes great leap of faith. "Love is an act of faith, not an exchange." ~Paulo Coehlo

Here's the thing. I am just as scared to death and resistant as you. We're all looking for love. We've had it, lost it, been heart-broken by it and want love safety. But what has living in the heart comfort zone brought you? I've asked myself this. Emailing and texting, then moving on to countless coffee dates with people who like hiking and dogs like you because an algorithm says we're a match. I realized I am willing to be bold in business but have been conservative with love and that has to change even if it starts with a small heart felt action on a website.

What we have is hope. We aren't born with courage. We are given opportunities to demonstrate courage. Best line in Evan Almighty. There is the dream of that one person, that love that makes us a more loving human and the world a brighter place - to feel alive! I'm looking for that kind of connection. I know I'm asking for more than I can chew, but I'm willing to be imperfect, scared and fall down because I know the right man will extend his hand to help pick me up and I for him.

It starts with me, It starts with you. Shall we try doing the opposite? :-)

The Costanza results

So what happened when I changed my profile? Well, to use marketing terms, my conversion rate tripled! I started getting WAY more responses from men that were more the type I'd go out with at least for a first date. Most of the emails I got said basically, "I love your profile. Good for you for having the courage to be bold and ask for what you want. It's so refreshing to see that."

Because I really opened my heart and took a chance, online dating has taken a whole different turn for the better. Who knows what will happen, but I am being open-hearted.I am also experimenting with letting go of expectations like how I "think" things should go, or how my husband-to-be will look like or show up. Believe me, this all feels very awkward, scary, and uncomfortable, BUT, the old way was not getting me anywhere I wanted to be. I have to evolve or be okay with being single in my comfort zone. I'm not okay with option B, so like in my business, I'm going to take the risks with my heart and go for it!

And speaking of my business, I am going to apply heartfulness to creating a "conscious startup" in 2013. More on that in the next post. I also want to explore where heartfulness can help me in my health, with my friends and family, and helping make the world a better place. To use movie metaphor, I'm excited about the adventure and stories to come giving my heart the leading role and giving my mind an opportunity to be a supporting cast member.

2013 is the year of heartfulness. What is your 2013 theme?

 

The Un-Conventional Launch of My New Book Back in Skinny Jeans and Mobile App One Mile One Meal

Finally! After 3+ years in the making, my new digital book, Back in Skinny Jeans: How this woman got back into her skinny jeans through tiny acts of healthiness and found inner peace along the way," based on my popular healthy living blog of the same name is out and available for purchase at Amazon for your reading enjoyment, and to help you get back in your skinny jeans. Woo-hoo!

In the book, I share how I dropped 40 pounds and have kept that weight off almost five years, and now live a life of healthiness in my skinny jeans with inner peace. 

I dropped the weight through tiny acts of healthiness based on following the Four Doables each day: one mile, one meal, one feeling, and one day which gave me left-brain flexibility and creativity but some left-brain structure. The Four Doables were also broken into two categories, Awareness and Action, taking care of the inside and the outside.

(that graphic was designed to be pinned on Pinterest, and reblogged on Tumblr so share away!)

To add to the excitement, complementing the book is my mobile app called One Mile One Meal which is a living continuation of the book. Five days a week you get a visual nudge around fitness, food and feelings along with two weekly audio clips of yours truly sharing more healthiness tips.

The One Mile One Meal app is available on iPhone, iPad, Windows Phone, and coming next week on Android. I'm thrilled to say that I'm trailblazing as one of the first publishers/authors to launch a book and mobile app on three platforms concurrently!

Back story

I'd like to share some back story on the creation and launch of this book because, well, I think y'all will find it interesting, and perhaps my experience will spark some ideas and inspiration for you as you pursue your own dreams. 

Back in Skinny Jeans the book is not just about weight loss, it's also about putting your life back on Play if you've put your life on Pause waiting for skinny to come.

Why I turned down a book deal and self-published.

One day, I'll share with you a few stories of my attempts to get Back in Skinny Jeans published the traditional way because in hindsight it's quite enlightening and no surprise why that old world of publishing is crumbling under the new digital world.

For now, the reason I am self-publishing Back in Skinny Jeans in particular is because I wanted complete control of the creative process. I'm not opposed to working with a traditional publisher in the future, but for this book because my blog was so personal to me, I wanted to create this book my way in the time frame it needed.

I didn't want to create under a publisher's time frame, but by the time frame of divine creation. Yeah, I just got majorly metaphysical on y'all. Some of you are shaking your head and some of you completely understand what I'm talking about.

There was a story I wanted to tell with this book but I wasn't completely clear on what exactly that story was when I started the book writing process. I didn't want to just slap blog posts together and in my gut, I knew pieces were still missing.

I retired the blog in the summer of 2009, but there were still some life experiences that I needed to go through in order to finish writing this book like a couple relationships, going broke, a move to Phoenix and subsequent move back to California, the beginning of friendships, the ending of friendships, and the creation of my own startup along with the death of my grandparents particularly my grandma Rose who I write about near the end of the book.

The story you get to read now is so much more in depth than the original manuscripts I started out with three years ago. This book is the story I wanted to tell!

Why I'm doing a 90-day exclusive with Amazon and changed my mind about print

No traditional publisher would ever let me sell my book on just one vertical. The goal is to sell as many books as possible so stuff the book in every channel possible. I personally am not the type who is all about hype and flooding the market. My style is more the slow burn and tailoring.

Digital is a whole new ballgame of possibility and during the process of getting the book prepped for the different platforms like Kindle, Nook, and iBooks, and talking to various developers and seeing what's happening in mobile app development, I thought to myself, "Why not design the book for the platform instead of trying to make the platform fit the book?"

So, as a publisher, I'm going to take a risk and experiment.

The book on Amazon is designed for Kindle reading. Kindle can only handle so many photos and limited formatting, and no video. I put Back in Skinny Jeans in the Kindle Direct Program so that those subscribed to Amazon Prime could read the book for free, and I as a publisher still get to make revenue. Amazon is amazing to authors that way.

The only condition with KDP is that I have to give Amazon a 90-day digital exclusive. I'm cool with that because you don't need to have an actual Kindle device to read the book. You just need to download the Kindle reader software for your laptop, iPad, tablet, desktop, or mobile device.

When the 90-days is up. There will be a book version designed for Nook, and one designed for iBooks. With Apple's iBooks software, I can get crazy creative with photos, video, and design.

I've also changed my mind about doign a print version of Back in Skinny Jeans. I strongly believe that digital is the future, but for me to do events in places like book stores, grocery stores, community centers and other venues, I need a physical book. I want my book to be a tool to help people create a life of healthiness and yes look good back in their skinny jeans. As I got closer to launch working on promotions, talks, and demonstrations, I realized that to touch more people, a physical book is more practical than a digital book.

So, a print version of Back in Skinny Jeans will be out by or before December of 2012 right before the big January New Year's weight loss rush. Stay tuned!

And one last note about the publishing schedule, as an independent publisher, I'm not afraid to tell my audience that the book will be coming out on different platforms and in different mediums in fear that it will stall sales because buyers will wait. If you want to wait, please wait. There is no rush to buy.

I believe letting my audience know what's coming will boost sales because you can buy the book in the form you like to read versus what I want you to read in my time frame. See, I'm all about choices, and because I am an independent publisher who does not have to answer to anyone, at least not yet, I have the ability to do selling the way I want.

Why my "Then and Now" photo does not include the traditional bikini shot

Here is me in 2007 next to cake, and here is me in 2012 next to a motorcycle. From Cake to No Cages, a Harley rider's mantra. Now that is my idea of success! 

In the book, I talk about why I don't believe in Before and After. Instead, I'm more about Then and Now. Honestly, I find those typical bikini weight loss photos boring because one, they all look the same, and two it's body-centric versus holistic, and my book is holistic.

Healthiness is not just about having a banging body, but also having emotional and spiritual well-being, and living your life on Play versus Pause. So for my Now photo, I decided to show you a photo of my life on Play instead of me posing in a bikini like I'm a tournament trophy of weight loss success.

The book is the awareness. The app is the action.

One of the reasons mobile apps excite me so much is that they can be used as wonderful complents to books. Reading a weight loss book is great, but what will actually get you back into those skinny jeans is action, the work. 

In Back in Skinny Jeans, you can read about my philosophy about healthy living and expand your awareness, and then the app puts that philosophy into daily action. Weight loss in particular is a great topic for book/app combos.

If you love what I'm doing, my connection to you doesn't end when you're done reading the book. The app will give you the ability to carry me in your pocket or purse literally, so you have aid in those critical moments when you're about to make an unhealthy choice like eat a whole pint of ice cream by yourself.

The beginning

And there you have it. Thank you so much for your time! I hope you enjoy the book and app, and find it useful in your journey to create a life of healthiness back in your skinny jeans! I'm also open to any comments, ideas, and suggestions you may have. Please share!

*****

Buy Back in Skinny Jeans for $4.99 at Amazon.

Buy the One Mile One Meal app for $1.99 on iPhone, iPad, Windows Phone, and coming next week on Android.

 

 

How Riding A Motorcycle Is Teaching My Inner Perfect Girl To Live With No Cages

That is the look of badassery on my face after I faced a fear and was enlightened to the fact that something I had been afraid of for years turned out to be one of the most life-opening things I've done in my life.

I know many women can relate to this. How many times has your Inner Perfect Girl convinced you that you cannot do something because well, she is afraid, and you let her fear stop you?

I confronted a fear

Never in my 40+ years of life have I ever ridden or even sat on a motorcycle, namely because I was afraid to - the jarring noise, crash horror stories, and scary biker dudes like in The Sons of Anarchy.

Never in my wildest dreams would I have ever imagined myself riding a Harley-Davidson bike as my first motorcycle ride ever because I would consider that bike way too much motorcycle for me. Inner Perfect Girl would prefer to start off on a scooter.

I was invited by Harley-Davidson and BlogHer for a special blogger camp at Harley-Davidson headquarters in Milwaukee to introduce us to Harley Women Voices and Women Riders, the programs and events that help inspire women to ride Harleys. In full disclosure, my time, travel, and this post were sponsored by Harley-Davidson and BlogHer.

What a motorcycle has to do with healthy living

My initial reaction to the invite was honestly trepidation, and then I thought, "What does riding a motorcycle have to do with healthy living?" That photo of "We Don't Do Fear" is a sign hanging in the Harley-Davidson Marketing department, and that sentence says it all.

I'm sooooooo glad I side-stepped Inner Perfect Girl's fear because getting on that motorcycle actually has plenty to do with healthy living, and I'll tell you why.

This is not just a motorcycle; it's a life experience pushing you out of your comfort zone. We cannot evolve unless we are daring enough to live outside of our creature comforts and not let fear stop us from living the life of our dreams.

I know. I know. I sound like I've been drinking the Kool-Aid, but it's true, and I totally understand now why Harley riders are so passionate about riding. It's similar to how I feel about Whole Foods and Apple.

You have to experience it to understand it. Harleys may not be for everyone, but it sure is worth experiencing at least once because you are putting yourself outside of your comfort zone amongst the safety of friendlies and everyone will listen to a story about, "...that time I rode a Harley."

I did the girl thing and cried

With Harley, it's not just about the bike; it's about what you feel when you're riding, and for me the minute I got on the passenger seat and we rode into the street, I felt un-caged from fear. Inner Perfect Girl's presence disappeared, and I felt the burden of fear lifted from my chest, something I have not felt in a very long time.

In fact, mid-way through my ride, under my helmet and riding glasses, I cried a bit because I was so happy to feel that sense of freedom. I know this is going to sound totally emo, but on that bike, I felt a bit like the final scene in Shawshank Redemption when Red gets to the beach to meet his friend Andy and knows he is finally free. "Get busy living, or get busy dying." I know a bit dramatic, but that's the only way I can best describe the feeling I felt.

But don't just take my word for it. Here is Roshani from Gilbert, Arizona who is an 8th grade Math teacher and like someone we all know. Watching this video made me cry, and made me feel less afraid to get on a Harley.

On the first night we went to Hal's Harley-Davidson dealership for a Garage Party, which is basically an evening at a dealership designed with the ladies in mind. There is food and drink, and ladies can come in and learn more about Harley bikes, riding, and actually sit and rev a Harley on the Jump Start like what @Missmissea is doing in the photo above with Dana from Harley-Davidson.

If you think book club and makeup parties are fun, Garage Party is thrilling. Amanda from Harley-Davidson is sitting on a 2012 Softail Deluxe which is similar to the bike I got my ride on. That bike is badass, and I've already decided that I will buy one. It's on my Life List now :)

If you have a chance to experience the Jump Start, I highly recommend it. In fact, find a rumble at a Garage party near you. You're not even going anywhere, but to feel that power at your finger tips is empowering like you have no idea.

I want to host a Garage Party here in Silicon Valley and invite fellow female start-up founders to jump on a Harley because feeling the power from the bike translates so much to the feeling of power we need to create our companies in a male-dominated industry.

The Jump Start was only the beginning. The next day, we got an Introductory Motorcycle Experience in one of the parking lots at the Harley-Davidson Museum which, by the way, is fascinating. It's like seeing American History through motorcycles.

Here I am on my own bike, a Harley-Davidson Sportster! At first, boy did Inner Perfect Girl throw a bit of a mental fit. She was so afraid of falling down. But I was so excited I didn't even care. I went back to that feeling of freedom, living with no cages, I had felt the day before and had the time of my life.

It also immensely helped that we had two of the most incredible teachers, Deb and Katie. I was so enamoured with them, I had to get a groupie shot.

Oh, notice my pigtails. There actually is a whole science on what to do with long hair for bike rides, and braids are the ideal riding hair-do. I haven't put my hair in pigtails since I was a kid, so that part was actually kinda cool to relive.

Here is a group shot of the #harleywomen bloggers who were with me at Harley-Davidson Summer Camp. My time with them was truly a bonding experience I will not forget! Here are a bunch more pictures I took on the trip.

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Every Harley rider I've met on the trip and in the last week since I got home has been so friendly and helpful. My perception of a Harley rider has completely changed, like 180 degrees! Who knew facing a fear of motorcycles could open my life up in ways I never thought possible. Most happily, it was wonderful to feel life with no fear again.

The next step for me is taking the Harley-Davidson Rider's Edge training course, and I'm telling you, I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas. If you'd like to learn more or sign-up for a training course, here's more information about Rider's Edge.

And now some fun for you guys, a cool giveaway!

Tell me what life with "no cages" means to you for a chance to win a Harley-Davidson Women's Pink Label Embellished Nylon Jacket.

Sweepstakes Rules:

No duplicate comments.
You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from the following entry methods:
a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post
b) Tweet (public message) about this promotion; including exactly the
following unique term in your tweet message: ""#SweepstakesEntry""; and leave the URL to that tweet in a comment on this post
c) Blog about this promotion, including a disclosure that you are receiving a sweepstakes entry in exchange for writing the blog post, and leave the URL to that post in a comment on this post
d) For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older. Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail. You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

This sweepstakes runs from July 31, 2012 to August 27, 2012

Be sure to visit the Harley-Davidson No Cages brand page on BlogHer.com where you can read other bloggers’ reviews and find more chances to win!

Walking Meditation Challenge Day 10: Standing Up To The Fears

If every time we see a hill and think, "Oh gawd, that looks like too much work, too hard, I'm not gonna go up there," we'd never get anywhere, literally. We'd stay stuck in our same neighborhood, same block, our comfort zone. At the top of the hill and beyond the horizon is our future: loves, career, friends, and adventures. I don't know about you, but I'm willing to climb hills more because I'm curious to see what's up there.

Today is the last day of my 10-day walking meditation challenge. The picture is a hill in my neighborhood that I go up and down every time I run or walk. I intended to walk today so that I could say I walked at least two days during this challenge, and I did start off walking. I walked .70 miles and then decided to just run one mile and then walk the rest of my planned 5K (3.11mile) walk. Well, that one mile turned into four miles of running. I did walk the last .5 miles so in total I walked 1.2 miles which is the second longest walk during this challenge. Yay! I was able to stop running and walk for awhile.

I know exactly why I can't stop running now, and even though I am conscious of the reason, I am still running. I'm just consciously running where before I was asleep running. I now have the work of breaking my current association with running and learn a new association. In the “Four Stages of Learning," I'm at stage two where I recognize my deficit and can see the value of learning a new skill, but I'm stumbling. It's like when you have taken off the training wheels and start riding a bike yet keep falling down because you don't know how to balance yet, or you start yoga, and you can't stay steady in a pose and fall down. Stage 2 encompasses much falling down literally and figuratively.

But we keep at it and move onto Stage 3 and then 4 where we become masters of a skill and can do things without even thinking about it. For example, I can write a blog post in my sleep and even drunk off my ass where six years ago it took me 4 hours to write 300 words steady and wide awake.

I stepped on the scale today and I gained back two of the three pounds that I lost in the last two days. I was surprised that I gained two pounds overnight which means that I ate something that caused inflammation in my body. I went through everything I ate the day before. I bought some new rice crackers and didn't check the label like I normally do for some odd reason because I tend to be retentive about reading food labels. Guess I fell into unconsciousness while shopping. These crackers had two food additives that are often used with MSG, and my body goes into mutiny whenever I eat MSG, so I found my culprit.

This time when I saw the weight gain, I did something different. Instead of acquiescing to the fear, "OMG, I gained weight." I replied back to the fat fear by saying, "And so what. It's two pounds. And what if I gain weight and get fat again. So what. What's the worst that will happen?"

Mental hell broke loose.

Chatter whirled up in my head outcrying about how getting fat would be awful, disastrous, embarrassing, humiliating, depressing, and on and on whatever my mind could rationale. This time I was able to sit back and be a spectator to the chatter. Instead of being in the story, I was watching the story, and wow, what a big difference! All the negative self-talk wasn't affecting me at all.

I could separate myself and see the chatter for what it was...endless chatter.

Fear is not who we are. Love is who we are. Our fears are learned which means we can unlearn them, and go back to our natural state which is love. This is what becoming conscious, mindful, is really about. I am now fully understanding, grasping, this concept. I've known it logically for awhile but it's never really emotionally sunk in. I think now we haz it.

I could separate because I know the chatter, the fears, are not true. This was a BIG deal to be able to find myself in this place. Just like wearing the skinny jeans again doesn't mean happily ever after, getting fat again doesn't spell disaster. It's just weight. I'm the one who attaches emotional meaning to the weight whether I gain or lose pounds.

What I learned in this walking meditation challenge

It felt good to stand up to my fears with my weight and see the chatter for what it really is, distraction. I felt proud of myself that I didn't get sucked into the illusions of my fears even if it was only for a moment this morning. I'm breaking the old habit. Everything is not fixed in one moment like in the movies, but yay, it's a start, a breakthrough!

That's one of the biggest points of meditation, to help us see that the fears are just distractions, smoke screens from the truth which is that we are beautiful. We have everything we have always wanted inside of us: love, acceptance, acknowledgment, belonging. We have just not seen any of that because we got sucked into the fears. We believed an illusion instead of reality.

I didn't succeed at the walking meditation in the actual walking part, but that is okay, I can keep practicing. Remember, the messy middle is where success is born. I got something deeper from this walking meditation challenge. I got to bring to the surface some significant unhealed hurts and fears, so that I can now work on healing them.

I learned that I actually like running in silence with no music where previous I thought I could never run without tunes. I blogged for ten days in a row which I have not done in a couple years, so I got to refresh my writing skills, and connect to my audience in ways I used to. I got a few emails and messages from people saying how they enjoyed seeing the old blogging Steph back.

10-days may seem like a short time, but during this fitness challenge, time felt MUCH longer, sometimes distressing especially during the two emotional mudslides and sometimes grateful because I gained so much in a short time. Honestly, I am joyful I did this challenge, but oh yeah, I'm so glad it is over lol!

Overall feeling: Grateful :)

Walking Meditation Challenge Day 9: My Fear Started Manifesting Itself

Today was another day of running meditation. Even though I totally get why I can't stop running, I still felt compelled to run today. Awareness is one thing. Practice is another. I'm not there yet. There was only 2 minutes of walking, and I ran 5.83 miles still with no music. I'm starting to like running in silence actually. After my run, I made this gorgeous salad for lunch, and felt awesome!

I wasn't going to step on the scale at all during this 10-day meditation, but at day 7, I started feeling heavy so I changed plans and weighed myself. I gained 5 pounds in 7 days even though I ran 24.5 miles in those 7 days which is on par with what I was running weekly before this walking meditation challenge.

My newly recognized deep fear of getting fat again as I talked about yesterday started manifesting itself during this walking meditation challenge.

Oh yeah!

My initial reaction to seeing the 5 pound gain was actually calm. I left the bathroom then sat on my bed, a bit in a haze at first, but then I got focused. 

Pangs of panic and anxiety over gaining weight started to flare like they used to in the old days, but the feelings were mute rather than acute. Being in the now, very calmly, I decided I was going to run not walk, and I ended up going 6.5 miles. So much emotionally has happened this week that I couldn't take any more by starting an internal fight with myself, so I did not think, I just did what I knew would make me feel better in that moment and that was to run.

Five even three years ago, repeating this weight gain scenario, my reaction would have been quite different. Instead of calm, my initial reaction would be distress, and a mild emotional frenzy would ensue. Ten years ago, forget it, I'd be in full-on panic mode...yes, over five pounds. That's how far I've come in my healing work.

Gaining 5 pounds slowly over time like a few weeks is not a big deal, but gaining 5 pounds in 7 days when I was still exercising is a concern. Eye-opening to me is how powerful a manifester I am. The fear of getting fat again reared its head garnering my energy and focus, and voila, without consciously realizing it, I started manifesting my fear. It makes you wonder how much we manifest in our lives unconsciously.

So, what happened?

My first instinct was to ask, what changed? Well, the walking meditation challenge turned out to be a BIG change, in fact, a change that I completely underestimated. Naively, I thought this walking meditation would be calming and soothing. In actuality, the opposite happened and it's been an emotionally stressful week incorporating two emotional mudslide days where I resorted to my old habit of self-medicating with sweet foods late at night.

I made two batches of vegan chocolate chips walnut cookies this week, and ate over a dozen cookies in those 7 days. The cookies were just the beginning. I completely blew my 80/20 Eating standard, and ate 20% foods every single day this week. I'm not going to lie. During my run today, I realized that when I made an effort to be mindful and more present in my exercise, I became less mindful and more unconscious in my eating. To cope with the emotional overload this week, I ate to comfort (not mindful) versus eating to nourish (mindful.)

I also ate an unusual amount of wheat this week. Normally, I am gluten-little, but I ate something with gluten in it every single day like pizza, sandwiches, potstickers, cookies, muffins, and cereal. I'm also normally soy-litte because soy can affect my metabolism, but this week, I ate a whole block of tofu.

And in full disclosure, there were a few times where I ate foods that have dairy and egg in them, my allergen foods. For example, on one of the emotional mudslide days, I was at Whole Foods in one of those unconscious states consumed with wanting to feel comfort badly. I desperately craved a slice of regular pizza, so I disregarded my food allergies and got a slice.

I figured the pleasure of the pizza with gooey mozzarella was worth the inflammation and sickness I'd experience moments after eating the pizza. I'm not saying what I did was right, but that's what my thought process becomes when I get consumed in these comfort-food binges. I know I'm not alone in this.

Healthy doesn't mean perfect

There are days when I digress. Sometimes, I will full-on fall off the food and healthy habits wagon. These days happen when I get emotionally and spiritually challenged. I'm much more wiser in my choices, and better at handling the emotional challenges without resorting to comfort eating, but not always.

This is why sometimes, okay actually well honestly a lot, I have issues with being portrayed as a healthy living role model. I have a deep passion to help other people live healthier lives, and I am very conscious about walking my talk but by no means am I a pinnacle, ideal of health.

This walking meditation has also brought issues for me around my public persona, my personal brand, as I build my new startup. I don't want to be put up on some health pedestal. I start feeling too much pressure to always be "healthy." I start feeling like I'm not allowed to be flawed and screw up like everyone else because there is an expectation for role models to be, well, perfect.

There, I said it, publicly.

And yes, I put extra pressure on myself, and yes, I raise the bar of standards because I like to evolve. I like to learn. I'm curious, and I like to grow. In 6 years of blogging, I've never been afraid of sharing my "messy middle" that human part between the before and after success story. I think it's important to share because this is one way we can shine light on the dark and lighten the stigma, shame, and aloneness of certain health issues.

The healing journey is not a clean, straight bee-line to success and happily ever after.

I gained 5 pounds in 7 days because I went unconscious with my food. In the last two days, I woke up and got back to 80% eating. I also have eaten no gluten or soy in these two days, and guess what, 3 pounds fell off.

As fast as the weight came on, the pounds can come off because knowing my body as well as I do, I figured the quick weight gain was due to allergen inflammation. When my body gets inflammed, weight comes on real fast. There are times when I can put on 3 pounds overnight because of an allergen reaction. Running also helps burn and flush out the extra weight.

There is one day left in the walking meditation challenge, and to be honest, I'll be glad when it's over.

Overall feeling: Glad I'm learning more about myself, but now kinda emotionally exhausted.

 

 

Walking Meditation Challenge Day 8: Why I Can't Stop Running

During yesterday's jogging meditation, something big and painful surfaced. And damn, it was fricking hard to come to grips with. In the Dhamma Brothers movie, one of the inmates said that doing the 10-day Vipasasna meditation program was harder than anything he's endured in maximum security prison.

I haven't been to prison, but yeah, this stuff is hard! It's not physically hard, but emotionally hard because in meditation as you get present and start living in the now, wow! all kinds of stuff deep down starts to surface. I can say for myself, stuff is coming up that I thought I had entirely dealt with, but apparently have not.

I've been kinda upset with myself that since I started this walking meditation challenge that I haven't been able to walk one day since the first day. Earlier in the challenge, I started becoming conscious that I may be using running more as an avoidance mechanism versus for health and fitness. The lines are blurry.

"Why can't I just walk?" I've been asking myself that question for the last four days. There's been no answer until yesterday.

A truth comes out

I've run 6 days in a row, and on Sunday I thought for sure I could walk because it's normally my rest day from running but no. I started jogging, and I asked myself again, "Why can't I just walk?"

I was silent, and waited to see what would come to me.

More silence except the rhythmic sound of my feet hitting the pavement as I jogged.

"I'm afraid of getting fat. I can't walk because I'm afraid of getting fat," said the inner voice calmly.

WTF! I stopped in my tracks...and then I started crying. I didn't like hated what I was feeling so I started running again. See avoidance. I couldn't be with my pain over this revelation. I felt compelled to keep running as if I could run away from this truth.

A cornucopia of mighty feelings ran through me as I continued to run: shock, embarrassment, frustration, fear, disappointment, shame, guilt and sadness.

With my weight, I thought I had come to a place where I was finally content and I was no longer preoccupied with fat. I thought I was in that place of peace with my weight. I believed I was in a place where my weight was no longer the boss of me. On the surface, I thought I was all those things, but apparently deep down, the truth is no, not all.

I also thought I had gotten rid of those judgmental words from my self-talk, "You're fat." Those two words used to cause me so much anguish and suffering starting when I was a kid. I was a round girl with four eyes and pigtails, and kids at school and relatives would tease me for being the chubby one. I grew up believing I was unlovable and undesirable because I was overweight.

Now I know why I can't stop running

I have come very far with my health in the last ten years. I have done much healing work and have accomplished a great deal with my health habits replacing destructive habits with healthier habits. That part is truth. But what is also truth is that a part of me is still afraid of getting fat. Now that I'm back in my skinny jeans, apparently hidden in the deep crevices is still the fear that I will gain weight and be fat again, and that's why I can't stop running.

In my mind, I went back to the last time I was overweight which was the summer of 2007. On the BMI chart, I was 2.5 points from being obese, and ironically one of the top healthy living bloggers at the time. I had gained 25lbs during the 3-year relationship I was in at that moment. During that relationship, I stopped working out and running and ate to self-medicate because I knew but was in major denial that that relationship went on 2 years longer than it should have, and that he never really loved me.

Three months before we broke up in the Fall 2007, I got my act together and started losing weight. I've dropped 40lbs since then and have kept those pounds off minus a five pound gain here and there, which is really no big deal. I see a five pound gain as a sign that I'm starting to veer of my health path.

Then it hit me during my jog yesterday that ever since 2007, I have run at least 3-4 times a week. In almost 5 years, I have run every single week. There has never been a time since I was 40lbs heavier where I have gone more than two days without running at least one mile. I have never just walked. The last time I stopped running, I gained 25lbs.

So, my emotional attachment to running has become clear to me now. I have emotionally attached running to being slim because a part of me is afraid of getting fat like the last time I stopped running. The word "fat" for me has so much emotional attachments which I thought I healed, but no, there is still more to work on. Logically, I run because it's my favorite way to exercise and stay healthy. But emotionally, I'm now seeing that my motivation to run is born more from fear and that truth is what I've been metaphorically running from seeing. See, avoidance. Me and avoidance.

It was really hard and painful to come to this truth. Getting real with yourself and facing those ugly yet true things takes courage. It does! But, as I get older and continue to do healing work, I know that the pain of facing the truth is only temporary and sets you on a path where you now know what you're dealing with so you can heal it and move forward.

Overall feeling: Awkward faced with new truths but grateful

Walking Meditation Challenge Day 7: Put Love Into Your Actions

The simplistic beauty of flowers always makes me happy :) I can easily put myself in the now when in the presence of flowers. Today, I still did jogging meditation, but I only jogged 2.11mi and I waked 1mi which is more walking than I've done since Monday. I'm making some walking headway.

It's Sunday and Mother's Day so I'm going to keep this brief because after realizing this week how much chatter goes on in my head, I've also noticed that I struggle with writing short blog posts. Every post seems like I have to write a novel which in internet form is 1,000 words. Ironic how short things can now seem like long things given the context. Online we all suffer from some form of ADD.

*what, squirrel. Oh look, yummy donuts.*

So, I'm going to practice a moment of blog silence today and leave you with a quote from Mother Teresa.

Walking Meditation Challenge Day 6: Stop Putting Yourself In Second Place

I love Crayolas! I found a green crayon on my outing today. When you become more present and aware of where your feet are, it's fascinating the things you find. No doubt, had I been doing my normal run, I would have completely missed this crayon. 

I started thinking about how often we miss wonderful things that are literally right under our nose because we are too focused on our destination going as fast as we can versus slowing down and taking in what surrounds us on our path. Maybe the things we want so badly are already in our reach, we just don't see it because we're too busy chasing it.

I'm on day 6 of this walking meditation fitness challenge, and I still can't just walk. I thought yesterday declaring to you all that my intent would be to do more walking than jogging today would motivate me, but alas no. I jogged 3.5mi and walked .27mi. On the upside, I'm jogging versus running so at least I'm running slower, and I have gone music-free these past four days. I've never gone four runs straight without any music.

Running in silence is starting to grow on me actually.

I am still having issues clearing my mind and just being in silence, but as a transition, I've been jogging to the sound of my feet hitting the road. The resonance of my shoes hitting the pavement is rather calming and quite rhythmic. I gotta say it's very zen.

One of the feelings that bubbled to the surface during my jog was how I tend to put myself in second place. I put everyone else in first place, and me, I'm always second. Not that being in second place is always bad. Winning a Silver medal in the Olympics is a great accomplishment, and even if you don't win a medal just being in the Olympics itself is quite an achievement.

I've never been comfortable being the center of attention, being the star, or being a focal point. Perhaps that's why I've resisted leadership positions and star of the show roles because I don't like the spotlight on me. I didn't get into social media to be famous, I just wanted to help other people on a large scale.

When I exploded and got big on Twitter back in 2009, it totally freaked me out. All of a sudden, I got thrust into the limelight and all these top people, famous internet and social media people were wondering who the hell @skinnyjeans was. My natural introvert defense would be to hide, but when your profile is public on Twitter, uh, you cannot hide because there is no where to hide. I sucked it up and faked it til I made it. I acted like, "Yeah, of course I'm a badass tweeting MoFo. You better recognize!"

I do understand though that on some level I have to take on more leadership type roles in order create the kind of change I'd like to make with helping more people live healthier lives. That means I'll have to stop putting myself in second place, and put myself in first place. That means focusing on my needs while considering others but not at my expense. 

This Mark Twain quote really resonated with me because when I was younger especially in my relationships, I would always put the other person first even at my own expense. I would date these guys who made me feel like I was an option versus a significance, and part of the problem was that I didn't believe deep down that I was worthy of being someone's priority so thusly, I attracted relationships that reinforced that belief. I'm reading like a self-help book here.

What became clear to me during my jog today is that when you are someone's option, they are never present with you. They are never fully in the now with you. You never have their full attention because their attention is somewhere else even though they may be physically in your presence. Intimacy is being with someone who can and will be fully present with you and will make you a priority, and likewise you do the same for your beloved. It's a two way street, so learning how to be more present in your own life will help you be more present with others.

I may not be just walking yet in this walking meditation challenge, but I'm certainly getting more clear and more grounded. I can see it. The noise is still there, but it's getting muter. 

Overall feeling: Calmer than when I started this challenge.

 

Walking Meditation Challenge Day 4: Don't Confuse Kindness With Weakness

Today, I found a Quarter featuring the state of Ohio on my outing. I have no personal connection to Ohio, but maybe I will later in some kind of serendipitous Touch TV show kind of way. If you haven't watched, Touch on Fox, you should. The writing is phenomenal, and the stories of how we humans are connected is remarkable.

I was thrilled to find a Quarter because I usually find pennies on the road. A Quarter is 25 pennies, so I was feeling rich! This exercise in being present is helping me have exciting moments about small things. It feels like being a kid again but in a good way, remembering the joys in simple things. As a kid, I used to go ape shit over the ice cream truck.

For an introvert, I sure do talk A LOT...in my head - way more than I thought I was aware of. Non-stop chatterbox, I am. I create more noise inside me than outside me. The last 3 days has been more like jogging meditation than walking, but I have been running in silence. No iTunes or buds in my ears breezing to Gaga or Train.

Without the music, I have noticed just how much my mind won't shut up when I run. I have noticed though on day 4 here that the nagging, whining voice of my Inner Resistant Monster is not as loud. He's chilled out the more I have stayed steady in being present. In the first two days, the monster kept complaining about how our back hurt, how we are too hot in the sun, how our left foot itches, how this, and how that. I wanted to slap the monster before I realized that the monster is actually a part of me.

A pain in my knee is talking to me

I jogged 3.5 miles and walked the last 1/3 mile. During mile one, my mind started racing about startup culture in Silicon Valley, the arrogance and pompous attitude that goes on here, and about this ridiculous brogrammer trend. I then moved onto the mental chatter of how the valley doesn't seem to have learned much from the last boom and bust.

I was now on a full blown internal rant when all of a sudden, "Ouch!" my right knee started to hurt. The pain wasn't bad enough to stop jogging, but it was sharp enough to get my attention and more importantly snap me out of the mental rant I was engaging in.

Channeling Louise Hay remembering that physical pains are manifestations of emotional issues, and that knee issues have to do with moving forward or not wanting to emotionally budge, I asked myself, "So, where in my life do I not want to move forward?"

With a moment of stillness and quiet in my mind, what first came to me was that I was clinging onto the past, and the viciousness I went through at the startup I was in during the last dotboom where I felt taken advantaged of and beaten (emotionally and spiritually.) A part of me is still attached to being a Silicon Valley victim. I still feel some level of injustice and disappointment that a place so exciting in technologial innovation is still so asleep when it comes to spiritual and emotional innovation.

Bringing myself back into the present, the now, I asked myself how this victim-hood would serve me in this moment, or serve the new startup I am wanting to build. It's not, at least, not in the way, I envision. I've already spent too many years complaining about stuff, and that got me nowhere. In the last 5 years, I've gotten much better about focusing on what will expand me (enlarge my life) versus contract me (shrink my life.) Lingering in bitterness and victim-hood is contracting, and apparently I have some healing work to do around my feelings about Silicon Valley and startup culture.

Since watching The Dhamma Brothers on Sunday, I have become engulfed with the idea of creating a mindful startup and bringing consciousness into building a high-growth company. If mindfulness can be brought to a maximum-security prison in Alabama, how can we bring mindfulness to Silicon Valley, another place filled with liars, cheaters, thieves, and murderers, not of people, but of kindness and thoughtfulness. 

I was at a startup event where the speaker talked about how he had to, "put a bullet into his co-founder," meaning he had to fire his partner. I literally felt a physical pain in my heart when I heard the words, "bullet into my co-founder." I thought how violent even for a metaphor, but not surprising because that's how people often speak here. I don't think they even realize the impact of what they are saying. I'm not perfet either, It's more about being asleep versus being awake, but I have become more consicouss of my word choices. And again, the theme of mindfulness comes up for me.

When I came to the realization that I was holding onto past hurts, and started affirming about the present, and that all would unfold for my higher good so I can move forward in love and kindness, I noticed that the pain in my knee disappeared.

Overall feeling: Feeling more grounded

Walking Meditation Challenge Day 3: Evolving Versus Getting Better

After all kinds of praying for change, what if God gave you a direct answer and said, "Okay, I'm going to grant you your change. I'm going to give you what you want...but it's going to take 10 years." 

You'll get your change, but it will happen at a snail's pace, like my friend here I came across on the sidewalk during my run/walk today. Yes, it was another compromise day where I ran and ended with walking.

If you're like me, your initial reaction to the news that your wish will take a decade would be a tantrum of anger, frustration, annoyance, and then followeed up with disappointment, dispair and hopelessness. Why? Because our need for instant gratification is denied. Things are not going to happen the way we want them to happen. God is making me wait....for ten years - oh, the suffering.

I bring this story up because during my run/walk thoughts of my life 10 years ago came up. I was put on medical leave from work for depression, an eating disorder, alcohol abuse, panic and anxiety attacks, and PTSD from being raped by a boyfried 5 years prior. Oh, to say I was a bloody mess and hit rock bottom would be accurate. I would tell Thich Nhat Hanh I was chest high in the mud. There would be plenty of mud for a field of lotus' to grow.

If you want to learn more about how I healed from that experience, and ended up finding my life purpose work, I wrote it down in my digital book, "Death of a Road Warrior."

Ten years ago, I told God that I couldn't live like I was anymore. I was tired, literally sick and tired, and the path I was on was destructive and was killing me from the inside out. God granted my wish, but it started out awful with me going on medical leave, and ended about 10 years later.

Moving from Phoenix back to Silicon Valley this past March is really the beginning of a whole new book for me, not just a chapter, but a new book.

When it comes to personal growth, I like the concept of evolution versus getting better because I always think, "Better than what?" It's easy to get caught up in the comparison game and compare your "betterness" to other people versus comparing current self to your future better self. Also, better is relative, and the assumption that things have to always go well or good in order for us to be in a state of better.

I like evolution because it starts from an origin source which is you and where you are today, the present, the now. It's about expanding or contracting. Even when things are painful and hard, you can still be evolving. Black belts in karate don't get to where they are without getting the crap beat out of them along the way and suffering from bruises, cuts, pulled muscles and even broken bones. 

I noticed during my run without music I chatter in my brain quite a bit. I had to tell myself many times to be quiet. No chatter. Clear your mind. Be still. It made me realize how even when running which I do find relaxing and calming is still filled with much noise and scattered energy - mental more than physical.

Overall feeling: Anxious but optimistic